Three Common Negative Cycles Couples Get Stuck In (And How to Break Free)
If you’ve ever found yourself having the same fight with your partner over and over, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we see these repetitive arguments not as signs of dysfunction, but as attachment protests. They’re distress signals that say: “I need you, and I don’t feel safe or connected right now.”
Below are three of the most common negative cycles I see in couples therapy, along with practical ways to begin interrupting them in the moment.
1. The “Find the Bad Guy” Cycle
This is a classic blame-blame loop. Both partners are trying to avoid fault, lashing out or getting defensive in an effort to protect themselves from shame. Underneath, there’s often a deep fear: If I’m the one to blame, maybe I’m bad—and if I’m bad, maybe I’m not lovable.
This fear can feel existential. Being “the bad guy” doesn’t just mean you’re wrong—it can feel like proof that you’re unworthy of love.
How to interrupt it:
Awareness is the first step. When you notice things getting heated and blamey, try saying:
“I think we’re getting caught in that ‘find the bad guy’ loop again.”
“What if we’re both good people who just want to feel seen right now?”
“Let’s pause and take a breath together.”
This small pause helps shift the dynamic from me vs. you to us vs. the cycle.
2. The “Who Hurts Worse” Cycle
In this pattern, emotional pain becomes a contest. Each partner is trying to get the other to understand how much they’re hurting—often by escalating, withdrawing, or invalidating the other’s pain.
It’s not that either person is trying to be selfish. It’s that when our hurt isn’t seen, we wonder if we matter at all. And so we raise the volume, hoping to be heard.
How to interrupt it:
Instead of arguing over whose pain is more valid, try saying:
“I can feel that we’re both hurting right now. Let’s not fight over who’s hurting more.”
“I want to understand your pain, and I hope you can hold mine too.”
“Can we take turns sharing how this feels for each of us?”
When both partners’ pain is held with care, connection can begin to grow again.
3. The Miss
This is when partners just miss each other. One person tries to reach out or express something vulnerable, but the other doesn’t respond in the hoped-for way—or misinterprets the message entirely. Intentions are misunderstood, and things escalate quickly.
Often, we jump to conclusions based on past experiences that feel very real. But those automatic assumptions can block curiosity and reinforce old patterns.
How to interrupt it:
The goal here is to slow down and re-attune. Try saying:
“I think we might be missing each other right now.”
“Can I check what you heard when I said ___?”
“I’m feeling misunderstood. Let’s make sure we’re on the same page.”
Simple, curious check-ins can help prevent misunderstandings from snowballing into conflict.
Final Thoughts: It’s Not You, It’s the Cycle
These negative cycles aren’t evidence that your relationship is failing. They’re evidence that your attachment system is activated—because you care deeply about your connection.
The good news? Once you can see the cycle, you can start to change it.
By pausing, noticing, and gently naming what’s happening, you begin to move from reactivity to reconnection. You become allies against the cycle instead of opponents inside it.
And in that shift, healing happens.
If you and your partner are caught in these patterns, working with an EFT-trained therapist can help you identify and change the cycle—so you can feel safe, seen, and connected again. If you’re interested in starting therapy, click the book now link in the upper right corner of this page to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call!
